Okay, so, I went to a Childish Gambino show last night. The line went around the block to get in so my boyfriend and I stood across the street to smoke until the line went down. This is how many white people were in line: a guy walking by on the street asked us who was playing and if it was punk rock music.
The show was cool, and there was a funny moment when he called out for white girls, and more than half the audience cheered, and he was like, “Damn, white girls are out in force tonight. Hide your Grey’s Anatomy DVDs!” And he called for Indian girls, they cheered, and he was like, “You’re not Indian. You—yes, you. Unless you’re part Native American? But you’re not.”
But the thing I always dread when I’m around white people, especially white girls, is when they say what they think is some kind of compliment. Of course, this goes for anything you say that has to do with race as a compliment; it’s probably not a good idea. But this specifically happens to me, all the fucking time. (Side note: I have no pictures of myself up because I don’t want anyone I know to read this blog. So I’ll describe myself: I am Asian, fat, and female. I wear glasses and bright red lipstick. You need to know this to understand the next part.)
We were in the smoking area before the show, and a white girl standing nearby kept staring at me like she knew me. Finally, she walked up:
“Excuse me, has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like that comedian?”
I knew exactly who she meant and I probably should’ve fucked with her and been like “I’m her” but I asked, “What comedian?”
“Uhm…I don’t remember her name…Chow? Choi? Ch…Ch…”
I couldn’t bear anymore so I said, “Margaret Cho?”
“Yeah! You look so much like her!!”
“Yeah. I get that a lot.”
“You look just like her! Doesn’t she look like her?”
“Yes. This happens a lot.”
When she realized I wasn’t saying ‘thank you’ and I was maybe offended, she was like, “You…you look like her. It must be the glasses!”
“She doesn’t wear glasses.”
“Yeah, I think she does!”
“No, she doesn’t.”
“Well, I think she does sometimes.”
“I don’t know I don’t watch her.”
“OMG REALLY she’s so funny you look like her.”
…Gettin’ real tired of your shit, white girls. Not EVERY Asian woman HAS to like Margaret Cho. I never had cable, so I never saw her shows. And also? She’s Korean. I’m Okinawan-Japanese. And it’s ridiculous how often this shit happens to me considering that. But we all look the same, right?
Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s gorgeous, but don’t fucking expect me to feel complimented because she’s a famous Asian person and we should take what we can get. I’m seriously sick of this shit. At my old job, one of my co-workers thought we looked the same and called me “Cho”. To my face. ‘Cause she thought it was cute. Soon that was my nickname at work. After a while I just pretended they were calling me John Cho ‘cause at least he was Sulu once. (But wouldn’t it have been awesome if Margaret Cho played Sulu in the film?)
And why is it always white girls? I would’ve titled this post anything else were it otherwise. Forget these white girls, I need some variation.
Why is a search for “Okinawan” in tags full of tumblrs of white people in Okinawa? Other than that, it’s food or martial arts. There are some good ones about Okinawan people, but they’re few.
I’m proud of my Okinawan heritage. It pisses me off when my software registers “Okinawan” as a spelling error. Am I fucking spelling it wrong?
Oh, and why the fuck is this every conversation about my race:
White person: What nationality are you?
White person: …No but, where are your parents from?
WP: Oh…but, where are your grandparents from?
WP: Um…where is your family from?
Me: Hawaii, for like the past 5 generations.
WP: And before that?
Me: …Look, I’m Okinawan-Japanese.
WP: Ohhh. So you’re Japanese?
Me: …And Okinawan.
WP: Isn’t that just Japanese?
Me: NO BITCH.
And that’s if I’m lucky. Most will just be like “WUT IS OKINAWA??” and I’m just not in the fucking mood to educate.
And I’m not talking about allll white people (but most of the time I am), just most I’ve encountered. And if you’re reading this and you’re like, “I don’t do that I’m a good white person I don’t see race” then good for you, you must not be able to see me.
AND usually after these awkward conversations about my race, it turns into “OMG I looooove jpnze culture!! Look at my Hello Kitty phone charm!!” Or some annoying ass combination of words like “kawaii”, “cute”, and “graceful”. Do I look graceful, bitch? FUCK NO.
Oh, and why the fuck is it okay for white people who don’t know me to say, “I went to [insert Asian country here], it was goooorgeous.” That must be nice. I’ve never been to Japan or anywhere other than here. It must be nice to be able to do so. I don’t go up to white people and say, “Oh, I’ve been to [insert white country here], that’s where you people come from right?”
Shit, that rant was just full of “ands” and “ors”. I feel better.
This is Randy’s personal best score: second to me. You see, it wasn’t my best night, but I can always beat these chumps, then Qzzy either ties or comes 2nd, and Randy…well, he’s lucky to get 4th sometimes. But this night! It was a “screenshot or it didn’t happen” moment. So we screenshot it. Repeatedly. In Qzzy’s defense, I think he might’ve been drunk or something, but it was a memorable occasion nonetheless.
Oh shit, I made this and posted them at Beat Swap Meet last year! I’m so glad someone found it! Thank you for posting this!
Ugh. I never blog but I need to vent. I can’t even say her name but I’ll start with this:
She is so fucking whitewashed. I am ashamed. Just because white people accept you for looking “exotic” does not mean you are one of them.
We are their “Oriental” pets. We would never call them racist or speak out against them because we’re submissive and delicate lotus flowers. We’re their Tokidoki bags and kawaii phone charms. We’re the card they pull out that says, “I can make Asian jokes; I have Asian friend!”
Ugh. I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m just mad. That shit has nothing really to do with why I’m mad. I argued with her for an hour over the whole police brutality issue and protests in Anaheim right now, over which she covertly sided with the police.
“Well, there just seems to be another side to the story.”
NO BITCH. Do you really need to hear the other side when cops are letting dogs loose on an unarmed crowd of families and children?
“But they were throwing bottles at the police!”
IDGAF if they were throwing red shells and bob-ombs. You know what’s not potentially lethal to cops? Bottles. You know what is potentially lethal to children? Rubber fucking bullets.
“Okay but tell me this: if someone was shooting at you, wouldn’t you shoot back?”
What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck does that have to do with anything?? First of all, the original victim was unarmed; second of all, a bottle is not a bullet; third, this shit is hypothetical; fourth, fuck no, I’d duck and run and probably die; fifth?, what the fuck does this have to do with anything???
“BUT THE NEWS SAID—”
Fuck a news. And then I called her apparently the most insulting word ever: ignorant. To which she replied:
“How am I ignorant?!! I have a job!! Do you?? Look how you live your life!! You live with your parents and you don’t have a job!! If you were as truly educated as you think and weren’t ignorant you’d go back to school and get a job!”
Apparently, I transported into a mirrorverse where being able to find a job and make enough money to move out and go back to school makes a person less ignorant. Because that’s what ignorance is based on: whether you have a job or not.
I never claimed to be educated either. Everyone knows I didn’t finish college. In fact, that’s the disclaimer I put out there before entering an intellectual discussion because most assume I’m smart or rich (which you’d think would be great but not when you’re not) because I’m a “model minority” Asian, and when they find out I’m just a broke uneducated Asian (not before making a racist joke about math or being a disgrace), they change their tone real quick. Which tells me whether I want to stay in a fucking conversation with their worthless ass or not.
…What the fuck was the point? Oh yeah. See what derailing does? It had nothing to with anything, but it pissed me the fuck off. Nobody wins. It just carries the argument from irritation to blind rage.
Well, this post ended up just being “RAGE RAGE RAGE RIGHTEOUS RAGE where was I..? Oh yeah RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RACE RAGE FUCKING RAGE”
So, yeah…that’s what you can look forward to if you follow this blog: broke uneducated Asian rage.
TL;DR - If you can’t find a job, you’re totes ignorant. (/sarcasm, just in case you really didn’t read.)